In most of our lives there are few arenas with the potential for as much reward -- or as much anguish -- as the intimate relationships we develop with those we see as our “significant others” (mate, spouse, lover, etc.).  Love (infatuation, lust, fascination, etc.) seems to come so easily to some of us (and with great difficulty, to be sure, to others) but that does not assure a pleasureable, comfortable relationship like in the movies or a television show.

John Gottman (see below), one of the nation’s foremost researchers and experts on what elements make for “good” or “bad” relationships, states that most troubled relationships end up in a therapist’s office about seven years after they should have. People are, by that time, in torment.  Often at least one of them is just looking for a way out. It’s all very sad because now days much is actually known about what works and what doesn’t and how couples can make things better if they really want to do so.

When people (gay or straight) come to me for relationship counseling, I do not take the stance that the relationship “must” be saved.  Rather, my goal is to help people see what is possible, given the situation and the history, and explore what they actually want to do.  In any event, I do seek to help them reduce any conflict or enliven areas of deadness so that good decisions can be made.  If the relationship can be kindled or grown, then that is what we seek to do. If not, then other decisions have to be made.

Many of those I see have already decided to divorce or separate, or are in the midst of painful, angry, hurtful separation processes. Whether individually or as a couple, I help them reduce the unnecessary hurtfulness and find ways to respect what they have had together.  If there are children, the goal becomes learning ways to coparent that will be beneficial both to their children and to the relationship their children require they continue to have.